Apparently that is what is stamped across my forehead. I think its disgusting, but married men seem to love me for some reason. I can’t seem to find anyone I am interested in that doesn’t fall into one of those categories. Every time I do meet someone, he usually ends up being married (without a ring, of course), a ‘player’ and not into commitment/monogamy, or just a flat out jerk. I will say it is somewhat my fault, as I am very competitive, and up until the last year or so have only been interested in the “tall, handsome, All-American jock” that’s also driven, ambitious and smart. So that pretty much limits my selection pool to about 10 people world wide, and of those 10, I think all of them fall into my previous 3 categories. As my friend Kristy said it yesterday, “IF you are attracted to an a-hole, you are probably going to end up with an a-hole, because they ain’t changin’ for you.” Amen, sister.

So, my most recent adventure into Married Men land. I was going through the airport and had to pull my laptop out of my bag as I was going through security. I always dress casually when I am traveling, so with the exception of the computer, I certainly didn’t fit the mold as the typical “business traveler”. The guy behind me made some comment “It sure does suck having to always take that out of the bag, doesn’t it?”  I replied with a flat “yup”. Now I am by no means a snob, or rude, but I have found that if you give most men that are ‘strangers’ an inch of conversation, they interpret it that you are interested in them. I think I am the FURTHEST thing from a flirt, and my sisters would both probably say I could stand to be nicer to people I don’t know. So back to my story….so he goes on “you look like you are traveling somewhere fun”. (I had on running pants, a running shirt, a baseball hat and UGGS). “Um, yea. Should be” (without telling him where I am going, and the point being you could tell NOTHING of my destination by my attire. It wasn’t like I was in a Jimmy Buffett shirt, with a lei around my neck and a hat that screamed I was headed to Hawaii. My mom was ahead of me in line and just turned around in disgust at this guy. For once I was not told “be nice, Allison”, as she could see this guy was becoming quite the pest.  My mom forgot to take some expensive lotion (or something) out of her carry on, so had to run it all the way back to the post office in Hartsfield to mail it to where we were going so the security people wouldn’t throw it away. As I was just sitting on a bench having gone through the line waiting, I notice this man is just standing there.
A) First of all, lets talk about this man. He was ATLEAST 15-20 years older than me. He was married. He DID, in fact, have a ring on. The more I avoided conversation, the more he tried to talk to me. But my FAVORITE part of all was he was hitting on me in front of my mom. Classic move there, buddy. Classic.

So mom comes back and she and I start walking to our gate. He was just ahead and turns and says “do you mind if I walk with you?” Neither my mom nor I said anything but just kinda looked at him. I don’t remember what we talked about, but he talked the entire way to our terminal. OF COURSE, he was going to the same terminal as us. When we got to the entrance of the Crown Room I said “well, there is our stop, have a good trip” and he goes (again, IN FRONT OF MY MOM, “can I get your number?” My mom looked at me and goes “I am going inside to get a drink before our flight. I’ll see you in there” (Thanks for being such an awesome wing woman, mom….rule #1…NEVER LEAVE YOUR WING WOMAN.). So he asked again for my name, how to spell it, and my number. I usually give out my parents fax number, because I have it memorized and I don’t stumble when I am giving it out so they don’t know I am lying…but after a solid 5 attempts of him not even being able to get past how to spell my name I said “here, how’s this. You give me your card, and I’ll call you.” He said ok, handed his card and asked me for mine. Of course, I said I was fresh out. Ugh, at least that guy is gone.

So I go on my way and have a great vacation, and am at the airport to come home, this time by myself. I was giving my friend my cell phone number over the phone and a man within ear shot that was AT LEAST 60 says “can you slow down, I didn’t get the last 4 digits and I may like to call you sometime”.  Really buddy? That’s how you operate? Good luck with that one. I just looked at him and walked in the other direction.

Awhile later we are finally boarding for our flight home. As the line to board is just standing there, this older man asks me if I am headed home or just leaving. I say headed home after a good break. He asked what I did for a living and seemed pretty harmless, so I talked with him as we waited to get on the plane. When I mentioned I was getting my MBA, he asked if students ever bring “prospective students” to class with them for the evening. I said yes, but there is a process, and you have to go through the admissions office….but I’d be happy to give him the number. He asked for my number and I told him I’d prefer he contact me over email instead. So we exchange emails, get on the plane, and go on our way. This man was at least mid 50′s, also married. When we land in Atlanta, I turned my blackberry on and the first thing that came through was an email from a name I didn’t recognize. It said “It was so nice to meet you Allison. I’d love to come to sit in a class with you and then take you to dinner afterwards to thank you for your help”. I felt a weird feeling (as if someone was watching me) and I looked over my shoulder and he was one row back, 2 seats in, just staring…and when I looked at him he gave me a wave. Needless to say, when I got off the plane, I got out of there as fast as I could.

The next morning, I wake up to check a weeks worth of email, and guess who found me on facebook? That’s right, the old man from the flight out to Salt Lake City, more than a week before.  1 trip, 3 married old men = one good story to tell my friends in person.

Which brings me to this weekend. I was in Charleston last year for Easter weekend and met a guy at a bar that was with our mutual group of friends. He was HILARIOUS. I literally laughed all night. He asked if he could walk me back to my hotel (with my friends) and we said yes, as a bunch of girls didn’t want to walk alone on Folly beach. He asked for my number, and he entertained me over text the entire drive home the next day. No ring on his finger. No mention of a wife or family. So we started talking regularly and I asked how old he was and he said 34. I asked if he’d ever thought about marriage one day and he said “I WAS married for 8 years”. I said “Oh, when did it end?” His response? “It didn’t. I’m married. But it’s not what you think. We do our own thing”. SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY. Let’s just say I went OFF on him. He still texts me to this day, and recently sent me a picture of his new baby boy. I feel sorry for that kid. In the text with the picture of his kid, I did mention I was headed to Charleston to see my friend this weekend. He asked if we could “get together and hang out this weekend” and I said “are you still married?” he wrote back “yes”, then I wrote back “then no.” He wanted to know why not, and I said because “clearly you don’t know the definition of marriage-it usually involves a ring, loyalty, trust, and not hitting on a girl in a bar, getting her number and failing to mention you have a wife at home.” He actually had the nerve to write back “that’s just crazy talk. No married men I know act like that.” Really? I know one. My dad.  Awesome that’s the way guys are these days. Can’t wait to say “I do”.

Last one for now. First job in Pharmaceutical sales, and met this guy that was all of the above categories…tall, athletic, driven, smart, ambitious, NICE, funny…you name it. I fell quickly for this kid and hard. We talked all day, every day over text, as he lived about two hours from me. We’d meet for lunch half way between us once or twice during the week (he even made me TWO ‘mixed tapes’-HA! and saw each other all the time for work meetings. He would call me from wedding receptions, pass the phone around to all his friends so I could “meet” (them over the phone)…I thought he was SUCH an awesome guy. I finally found a solid guy I could trust! This was heaven! This went on for about 4 months. Whenever I asked him what he did the night before or over the weekend, he always said “my roommate and I went…..or my roommate and I….” Call me stupid (clearly I was not seeing the big, red, blinking flag in my face), but out of the blue one day I said, “I know all your friends, all your family, and I don’t think you’ve ever told me what your roommates name is.” And he was silent. That’s about when it hit me….I said “wait a second…are you married???” Everyone at work knew we were “together”, all my friends knew, and so did his. His reply? “Not exactly”. I said “you better explain what “not exactly means and you better do it FAST” and he said “I’m engaged”. I said “Is your “roommate” your fiancé?” He said “Yes, but it’s not what you think. I don’t love her, I am not IN LOVE with her, I got pressured into getting engaged because all our friends were getting married, I didn’t want to, I know I made a mistake, and I am calling it off”.  I actually did believe that for a split second, because why else would he introduce me to EVERYONE if he thought he was going to marry this other girl? We talked all day, every day, from 7am until bed time? How could he swing that if he lived with the girl? He at least did answer those questions, which helped with the closure part instead of leaving me wondering ‘why’ or in this case ‘how’ like the last guy did, and told me he called in the morning after she left for work, and then at night he called me to and from his way to the gym, when he walked the dog, and always when he took out the trash after dinner. She never suspected a thing, and until it dawned on me I didn’t know his roommates name, neither did I.   I told him not to call me until the wedding was totally CALLED OFF, but if and when that happens, he was welcome to call me and we could talk.  The next time I heard from him, he was calling to tell me he had a baby on the way. Now he is married with two toddlers. So much for calling that wedding off. I do at least hope they are happy. Seriously.

So that’s my experience with men up to this point. I think instead of saying “I do”, I will keep saying “I don’t”.