I have been extremely lucky to live a very fortunate life. I can’t remember a time where I really wanted for anything, but not because everything has been given to me. I started working as soon as I was old enough, and for the most part, I have bought everything I’ve wanted on my own. I have an extremely supportive family, which is something you cannot put a price on. Knowing that my family is always behind me has allowed me to take certain risks, and I’m fortunate to know if I ever fall on my face I am confident they will be there to help pick me off and brush off the dust. There is a certain confidence that comes with knowing you have people there to back you up or help you if you happen to stumble and fall, and for that I will forever be grateful.

My parents have always told me to “do whats right”, and not to compromise my integrity or character for anything. I am not sure when I started “seeing the bigger picture”, but I know I knew a couple years after college that I wanted to make an impact on other people with my life. I didn’t know how, and I still don’t, really. The quote “We all die. The goal isn’t to live forever, the goal is to create something that will” is how I feel about what I am ‘meant’ to do. I am not entirely sure what it is yet, but I think every day I get a little closer to figuring it out.

The irony in this ‘blog’ is that for me, writing is my therapy. My mom always says that my dad doesn’t talk about his ‘feelings’ (does any guy?), and was voted “Most Shy” of his high school class. I am absolutely not shy at all, and could probably stand to be less outspoken on certain things, but when it comes to emotions, feelings, and all the touchy-feely stuff, that’s just not my thing.  I don’t like to talk about things that are bothering me, and if you asked all my friends about how often they hear me talk about something ‘serious’, I think most would say never. Most of my friends know me as the girl that loves to laugh at herself, and loves to tell a story that makes everyone else laugh. I actually started this blog because there were so many stories that would crack my friends and I up when I would tell them, I wanted a place to document everything so one day I could go back and read it. It was supposed to be a “Sex in the City” type of feel to it-very light hearted, funny, just anecdotal tales of being a 30-something girl in Atlanta, that tends to date jerks.

Ironically, its really not been that way at all. Its much more serious than I ever expected it to be.  If you’ve read the last couple blogs, you know this week has been a tough one. A very close friend medicated his feelings with drugs and alcohol for a very long time, and now is paying a very high price for it. That’s how he’s dealt with his feelings his entire life.  I deal with my feelings by writing. If people want to read my posts, that’s fine with me; if they don’t, that’s fine, too. Since I’m not a big fan of talking about feelings, I guess there are worse ways of processing things..

What I find interesting is that my mom always says “you are your fathers daughter” because neither of us are very detail oriented, we usually spill a lot, and we just tend to not get caught up in the ‘little things’ (my mom would probably say we lack in always “paying attention”). My dad has always been willing to help someone that needed it. He is very quiet, he doesn’t talk a lot about whats on his mind, but there has never been any doubt that his family means everything to him. I think we are even more alike than most people would say. Clearly we look similar (one person saw him, then looked at me and goes “Clearly there is no doubt who your daddy is”), but I think our personalities are also very much the same.  I am so outspoken when it comes to things I don’t agree with, or sticking up for someone or something that I think needs a voice…yet when it comes to my own thoughts on important subjects, things that bother me, or are on my mind, that voice always seems to quiet. I have always hated for people to see me cry. ALWAYS. I’m not sure why, but I would pretty much do anything before I’d let someone see me cry, for as long as I can remember. This past week my class of over 100 students saw (and heard) me cry for a solid two hours, and I hated every minute of it. I couldn’t get through my speech at my Grandpa’s funeral, and even at my parents birthday party, I asked my two sisters to speak so I wouldn’t have to-I knew if I did, I’d tear up. I remember being very young and at the Commissary with my mom and seeing a very old man, having a hard time walking up and down the aisles. He was clearly alone, trying to find whatever groceries he was looking for. I just started crying as I watched him, thinking how sad it was he was so old, struggling, and by himself. I remember very vividly trying to wipe away the tears (thank god this was before I wore mascara) and pretend like I wasn’t upset when I went back and found my mom. My parents have certainly never discouraged being outwardly emotional…its just not my thing. I am usually the kid that tries to get everyone else to laugh, while in my head thinking about the one person that isn’t and what must be going in their life. I think a lot more “feelings” go on inside of me than anyone would ever imagine…for whatever reason, I’m just not comfortable expressing it.

So, back to my mission and goal. There have been so many people over the last week that asked why I went to the intervention. “You broke up with him two years ago, that’s not your problem anymore”, they said. “He made those choices, its not your responsibility to fix it”, I heard. Those people may be right, but that’s not how I see it. I think of the saying by Maya Angelou,  ”I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” I will never understand how anyone could turn their back on someone else in need. Never. No matter what has happened in the past.  I thought on Sunday he would listen to me, but even if I didn’t think he would, I was going to be there. I asked him on our way to treatment what he thought of, and if he was angry when he saw me walk through the door (we hadn’t seen each other in two years) and he said “I was shocked to see you still cared enough to be there.” Getting him into treatment was a group effort, but him seeing that even after all he has done in a drunken stupor, all the untruths,  his friends were there to try and get him help. I hope that most people in my life know that I would literally do anything for them. Anything. People say “oh, they are a great person, they would do anything, for anyone.” I absolutely believe that if everyone did everything they are capable of we would astound ourselves.

Which brings me to my birthday card I got this year from one of my best friends, Billy.

“Verbago-

Is it pompous or condescending to say that I am proud of you? I certainly don’t mean to, but in the past year or so it seems to me that you’re finding more of your voice, or maybe just redefining what it means to be you. You’re writing now, you’re running, you’re seeking, and schooling, you’re helping and inspiring others despite a year that has left you battered, a bit bruised, but definitely not broken. There’s a great quote that reminds me of you presently, “Talent develops in tranquility, character develops in the full current of human life.” Its exciting to see you in the full current and I look forward to seeing, reading, and hearing about where this current takes you this year and in the future.”

I am not sure if its just getting older, or more comfortable with discovering who I am, but I thought it was interesting someone that lives so far way would notice that I slowly seem to be coming into my own. I’ve never been a ‘follower’, but at the same time, I am finding my own voice, and I am realizing that one person can make an impact on a lot of people. Like Christopher Reeve once said, “Once you choose hope, anything is possible.”

I heard this song on the radio a coming home from school the other day and it seems to say exactly what I’ve been trying to say for the last couple years. Regardless of the fact I make a good living, I know my life  isn’t to be a pharmaceutical sales rep. I know there is something bigger for me to do, something that will impact more people for the better. After all,”we make a living by what we get…we make a life by what we give.” I am never happier than when I am working with kids, or people  that want help, or just working to see someone smile who hasn’t in awhile.

I Was Here (click on the title, then the play arrow for the song to play)

You will notice me

I’ll be leavin’ my mark, like initials carved in an old oak tree
you wait and see
maybe I’ll write like Twain wrote
maybe I’ll paint like Van Gough,
cure the common cold
I don’t know but I’m ready to start ’cause I know in my heart

I wanna do something that matters
say something different
something that sets the whole world on it’s ear
I wanna do somethin better, with the time I’ve been given
and I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life
and leave nothing less than something that says I was here

I will prove you wrong
if you think I’m all talk, you’re in for a shock
’cause this dreams too strong, and before too long
maybe I’ll compose symphonies
maybe I’ll fight for world peace
’cause I know it’s my destiny to leave more that a trace of myself in this place
I wanna do something that matters
say something different
something that sets the whole world on it’s ear
I wanna do somethin better, with the time I’ve been given
and I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life
and leave nothing less than something that says I was here

And I know that I, I will do more than just pass through this life
I”ll leave nothin less that something that says I was here, I was here, I was here, I was here

I want to do somethin that matters
something that says I was here
wanna do something that matters
somethin that says I was here, I was here

“We all die. The goal isn’t to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.” — Chuck Palahniuk

I don’t know yet what I am going to do, but I am not going to be happy unless its something that changes peoples lives in one way or another.

I guess the moral of this story, is things aren’t always as they appear. I could easily argue that I am a very sentimental person who gets her heart strings tugged on every single day. But there isn’t a single person that would ever know that, because thats just my nature.  I am not outwardly an emotional person, but that doesn’t mean I don’t see or feel things that other people do, if not even more so. I am happy to feel like every day I come a little bit closer to finding what my purpose is, and creating something that will live long after me.

“The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones that actually do”…I think I am one of those people. I just need to figure out how I’m going to do it.